| Live to fight another day!!! |
[ 11.18.09 - 11:46am] |
All the stress in work, mistakes, supervisors being called, rude customers and to top it all off i can't sleep, not even a wink... And if I did get some sleep, I would dream about work, Y-block, raptor, toolbars and all...
I've been thinking if I am on the right track, is this even right for me? Healthy for me? I don't think it is psychologically healthy for me, if I can't sleep and if i keep on dreaming about my lovely and awesome work, then I know I am going to die soon... Like three, four days from now... My mom and my grandmom would out live me...sweet...
Trying to meet others expectation is hard, trying to meet your own expectation is just a pain in the ass. I really think I'll get myself shot in the head and well, eventually die of blood loss... I'm not a perfectionist or anything, but there are things that i really want to do for myself, by self, and yet its hard... its a real pain in the ass... My back has been breaking from this heavy heart... literally, my back hurts already because of working... if i could just lay down and sleep, oh yeah, i can't coz my subconscious pulled an effing prank on me making me dream about the wonders of irate card members, memos, Y-blocks, sup calls and all that jazz!!
I've already been think of odd,morbid things happening to me just to make an excuse not to go to work... like got hit by a car, side swept, hit by a car, trip and broke my arm, hit by a car, food poisoning, hit by a car, and yeah, hit by a car. not even new moon can change my mood, and it was something that i was totally looking forward to, and now, well, its just bitching, or maybe i'm just bitching about life...
I remember i told my best friend that life sucks, she simply responded with,"Don't worry, vampires suck too."ahahaha! that one made me laugh, simply because i read that message on a rest day.ahhahaha.
Thanks to some intervention from my cousin, "Live to fight another day!" thanks kuya BC! and i will, lets just give this effing job another shot... and if for a week i can't stand it and i still can't sleep, maybe i would quit.maybe my boss would fire me... how wonderful life is, now that i have a job...
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| Migraine |
[ 10.16.09 - 8:06pm] |
Migraine... a broken heart is like a major migraine... aside from that, work can really be stressful specially when you don't know what to do... even if training is there, its still different when ur on the spot. it sucks that i get unnerved when am already on the line.
i need a week end... i want it, need it yearn for it... like a long lost lover... lover!!!
i wanted to sleep and yet even if i get sleep, it still seems not enough. i wanted to sleep some more but i can't, or shouldn't rather, since i have to work... break my back and work... not the literal way.
I have a friend who sits beside me at work and well, the other night, his nose bled. good thing i didn't panic. i really don't know what to write.. and sometimes i feel so down for no reason... and that's what you call, PMS.
my granny have oldies as a visitor... @_@ they kept on babbling about things that are just plain non-sense... why i said non-sense? well, ur not in my shoes so its really hard to explain.
help me! better yet pray for me
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| Trying to please every one isn't fun |
[ 10.08.09 - 6:41pm] |
Call it stupid, but am trying to please everyone... Which i know i can't. The thing is, am trying to be friends with everyone. thing is, im hanging out with a sociopath. talking about rude. but yeah, i don't know what's wrong with her, but she just is like that. A friend introduced us to a friend of his and she just walked away. like away, while we were talking to the newly introduced girl. i even said, "talking about rude." and still, she did not move. she just stayed away even if she was getting wet under the rain. its like she really wanted to be away. SOCIOPATH. I don't think i want to be friends with her.
Moving on, I'm getting more and more paranoid about my social life... like my new working life social life... get my drift? Thing is, remember i'm trying to please everyone, and when i feel like they don't like me, i feel down and blue. or maybe its just applicable to my crush... but i really think am not his type. which makes me blue. Now i feel ugly and unwanted. Any helpful advice? that would really help alot. like tell me i look good or he's not just that in to you unlike others... something like that. *Bizarre love triangle*
I really miss my friends... like the real ones that i have. My highschool and college friends. i love them so much and i feel bad that i haven't seen them for months now.
I love you guys!
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| Half empty and Half full |
[ 09.27.09 - 12:34pm] |
People say a lot of things... sometimes you believe them, other times you don't. Personally, i don't believe people who I barely know... I only believe my friends' comments.
A wise professor once said, "when in doubt, follow your heart." And i will take that advice.
I've been in a training right now... A number of tranche mates say that i speak well and don't have to worry that much since i would already pass, no doubt about it... that is what they say... should i believe them? NAH! I'll just do my best... no need to be over confident. Told you am half empty... kidding... And i really don't know what to write... I just feel like writing...
ok, here goes...
Its like the first day of school, when you step in an unfamiliar place swarmed by unfamiliar faces. Diversity at its best. You are scared but eager to make new friends, learn new things and show off your talent but there is still doubt in yourself if you really are in the right place... doing the right thing... saying the right words... "Am I?"
Should i ask myself? i guess... I am never certain but i am willing to try, to know and to make mistake to learn from it. This is my half full.
Damn if i do, damn if i don't.
I was assigned as English patrol on the first day of training... Why me? Ask my trainer. "English Only" zone. Yup, now you know what industry am having my training. Moving on... Most of my training mates have a call center experience and yet they still speak the vernacular in the EO. Should i tell them off? nope... i didn't do that... I already assumed they know how to read... Right? when its posted, oblige. Reporting to my trainer is not a problem, dropping names seems to be a hard thing especially when its your 'possible' social life that is in danger... Damn if i do damn if i don't. But i was assigned to do a task, right? better do it then... No hard feelings... Just doing my job here... Nothing personal...
Arrogant S.O.B.
You know what its stands for? need i say more? This guy, who i just met sounded so condescending from how he addressed which Uni i was from... Guess what? he has a big ego yet a small... hhhmmm... small what?come to think of it, yeah, he is a big guy... Its not just me that find him repelling. lol.. repel. Aside from his big attitude and big mouth, people are already giving him names behind him... Someone even thought of strangling him with the chains from the blinds. LOL... ok, he has a big mouth, no respect for others and he is just easy to hate... you get my drift?
Let us all pray that at the end of the day my cup is half full... hopefully rim level full...cheers and happy week end!
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| When your former nightmare haunted you again |
[ 04.03.09 - 8:11pm] |
When my sister eloped with this guy, i experienced hell. Non-stop fighting and i can even feel the tension in the very place you call home. It sucked even more when she was not really pregnant and just lied in being one. And after a couple of failed attempts, she also succeeded. And who would pay for all the medical bills for her labor but may family, since her low life husband has no job and practically has no life. That was almost six years ago. That was my nightmare. And i was only 12 years old when i have to experience all that shit in my families life all because of my self-centered sister.
Now, i've grown, but she hasn't. After years of her selfishness, i get to ignore her, even her existence. Call me hypocritical for trying to do so, but she's all to blame for what a shitty teenage life i had. Right now, she's being abused by her husband, and who does she call for help? Us. And she's only around when she needed something, money and stuff. And how many times did we advice her to bring her kids with her and leave her husband? We lost count on the thousand times we told her so. She never listened. I'm too tired to help her. I'm too sick to even be involved in her life. I hated how she bring hell to me and my family when she's suppose to be doing these things on her own. Face these consequences on her own... She never thought of us when she was happy... All that she could think about it herself. I hated her for that... I was happy then. And i'm suppose to celebrate since its my graduation, but she always, always takes the spotlight and bring trouble in the most perfect occasion... I'm tired of her...
I'm still waiting for an update on whether she gets the custody of her kids or not... She's really irresponsible, and i cant do anything because i dont know any better...
Bite me!~
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| june 20 |
[ 12.01.08 - 9:05pm] |
I already saw the movie Twilight, i love it... Aside from the fact that I'm a bit disappointed with the chosen actor for Edward (I guess i was just expecting more), i still love it. He is a good actor though, so Kudos!
My birthday is June 20. it seems to be more special now that i know that Edward has the same birthday as i am. haha! Not that its a big deal or whatever, its just that my friends told me to start looking for my bella. haha... Now I'm the vampire... I could only imagine...
There's a lot of things happening to me right now that is bound in reality. not that i hate it, i dont love it either. its just feel like im going around in circles, not going anywhere, except inside that safe little circle that i walk around. Just a couple of months and graduation is mine. college is part of that little safe circle that i walk around in. Its not sickening, just a little dizzy with that fact. 4 years enduring college is just safe, hard at times, but still safe. they say, a diploma is your ticket to a better future, now i am worried if there is still any future, or maybe i am scared not knowing what the future holds.
how soon is now? its just crazy thinking inside this circle. i am safe... but not complete...
until then...
BITE ME!
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| sodomasochism, frustrations, bitterness, and all that jazz |
[ 09.14.07 - 8:03pm] |
Here in the phili, fraternities are such a fad and i believe over rated.
Hazing fucking kills. Why would some one want to be beaten up by your "brother", hello?unless your some what masochistic in nature, but still, you don't get sex afterwards, i mean, hello??!!!!
that is why i call it "S&M session without sex".
It was really gross. There was a documentary show that was aired last saturday that featured a 20 year old woman getting initiated by her brothers by kicking her, hitting her with a paddle, punching her, slapping her all over the place. She was like a ragged doll. After a couple of days, she was interviewed and she still does not want to quit. I dont know if their just some twisted people or cult. i mean, come on, i have nothing against them, its just illogical to do that...
The frustration part,. God, there is a fucking lot of fucking activity, i could just die today!!!
damn it, aside from that, damn this relationships.
last Wednesday, we had a little drinking session back home, and the topic about Brian was opened up again. I was on the hot sit, and the question just kept on coming.
Why does fili guys get turned off when a girl tells him about her feelings for him? it really sucks.And jansen just kept on asking and criticizing on how i confessed to brian. I was not offended, its just that i thought if i did it in the right way could things between us be better?i dont know, i didnt try.
all that was gone now, it was over even before it started.
(T_T)
and its quite weird that my eyes are a little teary right now...
Why did even end that way?
its to late to ask now.
another frustration is that, Jansen told me that because i never has a boy friend, by the time i have one and he left me i wouldnt be able to move on. *what the FUCK?!?* what was up with that?!
*song playing in my mind, tumatakbo?mojofly, ayoko sanang tumandang nagiisa...*yup...
Again im not desparate, what the heck is with that?right?
is it so bad if i dont like commitment?maybe, but i know that time will come when im ready.
for love, falling is easy, its the landing that's hard...ouch...
There are so many activities and so little time and im so stressed and i just cried. hope no one saw me, aside from janna...
*song playing in my mind, i'm not ok: my chemical romance, and i am NOT ok, im not fucking ok*
i'm not ok coz i did feel so accomplished. i feel that i didnt do much contribution for our group, it made me feel that im just some one who isnt good enough.too sensitive, yup, and im fucking proud!!!!!the hell i am!!!!
and im starting to like this guy,gawd, why him?!!!!come on,well i just like him, not falling or anything...just liking. i just dont feel right about things.
tragic...
i know, im fond of saying tragic, i dont know, maybe im just a big tragic lump of protein here on planet earth. TRAGIC!!!!!!!
poems are just another defense mechanism
"i cut myself
and felt my blood flow;
i murdered myself
for no one else know."
just another couple of lines from one of my poems.
Gian, sorry if i didnt get to keep my promise not to cut anymore, im just so damn twisted, dark and tragic...yup!so am sorry!
but hey, i nver cut for a guy, it would really be weird if a have a guys name engraved on my arm or chest,hahaha, i could just imagine...
gian, remember your dream where you have a boyfriend who have these phrase cut to his arms "gian's property", weird but damn so sweet...i like that,hehe. i'd like to have a guy just like that,and i'd have his name on my arm, that's if he had mine on his arm!hehe!!!!
happiness is an eternal orgasm, cute, without the e.haha, no seriously, i find it cute and well analogized,hehe!!!!
typos....activities...reports....
BITE ME!!!!!
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| harassed |
[ 03.15.07 - 10:38pm] |
it really sucks when you get harassed. it doesnt suck, its a big god damn piss off shit.
ok,last night, me and my sister was walking down our block when there was this guy coming our way. so whatever, we just let him pass.dont care what so ever. so when he passed us by i felt he grabbed my ass. i cant do anything since he's a buff and what can i do, i dont have a baseball bat with me or even a sharp thing.sucks right?
i just told him to fuck off and go to hell.
why would they do that?
god im really pissed off that i could have slapped him across his fucking face, but i cant or i didnt coz i dont want to end up going to school with a black eye.GoD!!!
bite me!!!
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| bug bites and temptations |
[ 03.12.07 - 10:47pm] |
when things go wrong after a good night sleep,i can say it was a good night sleep coz i had the nice dream.so anywho,when i woke up,my left i feel a little smaller than my right eye then my upper lip feels a little swollen,damn those bugs,why should they choose to indulge in some part of my FACE!
i aint that pretty, that's why i should take good care of it to some how get close to that PRETTY factor.
temptations,well there are a lot of fucking temptations in my life, good food, good guys, good looking guys,good music, good video and everything that is fucking good!haha!oh, wait not good sex,never had one.tragic?i dont know...
so what's new?well there's a lot of things happening in school,gym class' written exam,our play rent.cool movie by the way.
let's face it, sometimes when you're working in a group it's inevitable that you'll get embarrassed, humiliated, get into an argument and all that,well it's inevitable right?
300,im really excited to see that movie!yeah,probably after finals...
what else, well something new and out of the blue,well i have a part in our play as one of those who owes her "rent",i just have to sing a couple of lines,30 mins of the lime light!haha!
oh,yeah, i feel free!!!i can fly again!yup! i didnt crash from a former love,i glided and im gonna fall soon, i guess, for some one really worth it...
why i never had a boyfriend, i want to be perfect for that one that im waiting and looking for...haha!perfect or close to it.i want him to be proud of me in every single way.haha!!!yup, that's how i want it to be.too much?i dont think so,coz im ready to give that much time and effort for someone really worth it,right?
well, wish me luck for tomorrow's written exam for gym class and for our stage musical!!!
BITE ME!!!
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| bitter sweet love |
[ 03.08.07 - 9:21pm] |
|
its been a while since i last posted on my blog...so anywho, been hurting lately but not any more i guess, not that much like a used to... now multiple love affair seems to be a good thing but im not sure if that'll really work. im attracted to this guy but he's got a girl friend,but what the heck right?he's the one who started looking at me,staring at me so its cool. another guy from cfad(college of fine arts and design)really cute and hot, long legs and cute smile. i started hitting on him by smiling then i started stalking a little,haha,really cute,i know he notices me. another guy is from this bar i got into last night, purple haze, and he's a bad ass drummer,god he is so hot and so good at playing drums!!! then there's this guy from cfad again who looks kinda like gackt but gackt is way better,just kinda.so anywho god, i cant believe god made alot of cute hot guys and didnt gave me one!!!should hve given that guy to me...argh,but its cool!! what's sucks for the day that makes it bitter is the fact that, i have friends who seems to be so cold and so self centered...i know they're my friends but they should have considered other's feelings.they should support each other but in my case, i dont really care that much coz they dont care bout me.ces and i are cool even though she's a little pesemistic bout my boys...its cool... what else was cool, well, my boy toy which i called my hubby,i dont know why and how, seems like destiny is putting us together something.and even if he has a girl friend he keeps on looking at me, you know that kind of looks,something like,uuummmm yummy...haha!!im dreaming again... tomrrow fucking quiz in bio which i think i'll fail again. where the heck is he getting those questions anyway?its cool if its on our notes or something, but its not!!!so no matter how much you study you'll still fail. the professor is cool, the subject is ok but the quizes,DAMN! so i wish myself good luck...argh, bite me...
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| prejudice |
[ 03.07.07 - 9:15pm] |
sucks when people who dont know judge you...
how can people do that?dont they have their own lives to bother instead?
ok, a friend suddenly told me bout her hunch on a class mate being gay.first,why did she even waste her time judging that guy,second, she's not even friends with that guy,third, she has no proof,fourth,so what if his gay?would it kill her if he was and he's not even related to her not even close to her friends...
god, what is wrong with this people??
bite me...
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[ 03.07.07 - 9:14pm] |
god,it's really hard to move on. sucks when you fall for some one who would not or never catch you. its not the falling part that hurts,its the moment when you hot ground zero... ouch...
there's a lot of things going in my mind. i still like brian, my off-to-priesthood-boy-next-door, whats sucks is when i thought that its never really meant for us coz he's off to priesthood and hearing from someone that he has a girl friend sucks. what sucks even more is the fact that i confessed him my feelings so that he wouldnt hurt me that much and that i wouldn't wait in vain once again. but i still did waited in vain for his answer on my confession...
i guess he's just not that man enough...TRAGIC
they say that things happend for a reason, this time i dont know what the reason is,soon i guess, i'll know why...
being a good friend some times suck,coz you have to hear all their frustrations and disappointment and there are times that they wont listen to you...
even those who are not my friend tell me stuff bout their problems and all that.ofcourse,being a good friend i should listen.not that its an obligation,i just thought it would be mutual that we would both benefit...
TRAGIC when it goes that way...
why do they always pick me to share their problems,hardship and all that? and they wouldnt listen to mine,why?
it aint fair...
something came up to my realization and its somethingt that suppose to hurt, i did felt hurt, but, i didnt cry,which i usually do,even small things,even cat that got run over by cars. but this time, when im the one hurting,i cant cry.i cant shen a single shed of tear.its weird...
brian, the one i thought is an angel, was only a guy with fake wings and harness...
he's not an angel. not my angel...
i'll just go back to my hell
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| we are all left behind(bless his soul) |
[ 12.14.06 - 7:27pm] |
i thought it would just be an ordinary day,just getting my papers done and i just wanted to get my history quiz to be over with for today.
i wasnt expecting for the news that angelo died today because of his congenital heart disease.
now i feel that there's nothing to look forward to for christmas.
what about angelo...angelo is a neighbor.and with his teenage years he suffered for having congenital disease.
i feel bad coz now there are no more holloween parties with him, no more out of town trips with him.
How death is tender and painful in both ways. i know he can rest, i know he's in a better place,way better than what i have right now.painful for us that he has left behind.painful for the parents that was left.from widows who had their husband pass away,but parents that had an angel for a child has no named to be called,not a widow.i know its not how things are suppose to happened.
siblings that are left behind,no more sorries for the bittersweet teasing, no more christmas with their sweet kuya.
no more paintings and drawings from a young painters canvas, now is empty.a painting left unfinishes...
Bless angelo villanueva,a fighter, a painter, a young friend and an angel...
pray for him...
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| back to school |
[ 11.13.06 - 9:55pm] |
back to school and its good.i miss gian.tol text mo ako
its not all good,GIAN!!!WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!!
HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?
just playing.
i'll tell my angel about how i feel.it reminds me of the video from all american reject=dirty little secret,i can relate to the last card,im inlove with my bestfriend.how sad right,but i'll tell him this week end.if we get to see each other this week end then i'll tell him,if not then it would only mean it's not yet the time.argh,so much for a week.sucks.
so how's it going to be?i dont know but wish mr good luck,i know i'll die soon!haha!
funny,now i dont feel like dying anymore, for my angel.he told me to stop cutting myself and i obeyed my angel,how silly of me.he doesnt know how much i like him and how much he's hurting me!hahaha!too much drama,but wish me good luck!ÜÜ
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| a mixed up and shaken |
[ 10.12.06 - 6:12am] |
ok, early morning i have a message from my angel, and the song wasnt for his ex but for something else so, yeah me!
next thing, math is killing me slowly but surely.how?
my exams are really a killer.
so why dont they just kill me fast instead.this people love to torture me so bad and it really sucked!so kill me now!
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| harassed little me |
[ 10.11.06 - 1:55pm] |
i dont get it really, i get harassed every now and then.why?
first incident happened in a pet store where i was asking for a black bunny and this sales clerk came up to me and told me theres none but i can keep him instead and he'll be a really nice bunny for me.i answered im looking for a black bunny not some one who's as horny as a rabbit.
second incident, i was in the bus beside a guy who i thought was a little ok.then afterwards this guy kept on touching his crotch and he kept his face under the bus curtains!ew!he's like feeling himself up beside me!
third incident, i was in the jeep going home and this guy beside me filled himself up beside me!literally musterbated beside me!ew!
argh!
what the hack is happening.i know im not that attractive but whats with these guys?specially those who are filling their selves?
if i could just tell them and scream it to their face to get a room and fill yourself up till it swells and their dried up like raisins.people.
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| death is to me |
[ 10.10.06 - 5:57am] |
what the heck is fucking happening to me when all the fucked up things that are happening to me.
im already doing my best here and all i get is more fucked up pressure!
why do they have to shove it all over my face that im going to be a failure for the things that im doing.
by the way, my ever dear angel, brian, went home for sem break, now he's really really far from me like a thousand miles away from me.argh...
ok, so he'll be closer to his x girl friend, ouch, he's favorite song is clown that goes like this:
Maybe you see me, I'm always happy
But in my back, I'm a lonely clown
Every time I wake up, it seems
Your face I want to see in smile
Try to hold me one more time
Bring me back from where I start
Chances are not yet fading but
The clown starts to cry
Hard to say that I really need you
I, I can't pretend that I am still in love with you
CHORUS
Don't get me wrong
'Cause I know you're still here
Don't get me wrong
'Cause I know you still feel me
Hold me tight one more time
Bring me back from where I start
Chances are not yet fading but
The clown starts to cry
Maybe you see me I'm always happy [6x]
But in my back, I'm a lonely clown
~ok doesnt this mean he's still inlove with his ex girlfriend,right?ok, another ouch.
why do i always get hurt?argh,them fucked up people, now i feel like looking for someone else to love as if that's so easy.why?
im still hurting and i dont want to tell anyone, it really sucks to supress this fucked up feelings.argh...
do me a favor and kill me, now.
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| fucked up school |
[ 10.05.06 - 9:48pm] |
puta!
school sucks!
it's like hell without the firey back ground!
and the devils are the professors who are making our lives feel like and extension of hell!
praying helps though, thank God i have i friend like gian!
love you best!
well gian is and angel!yup!she's a blessing!
she's the one kinda helping me get trough this hellish place!
yup!
schools varsity team won!yeah!that's something!
what else sucks, oh ya, last night there was a free concert for our victory. why did it suck?well i didnt get to finish the concert coz my bestfriends boyfriend or date or suitor went to school to fetch her and because i dont have anyone with me to watch my concert so i just went home to. Fuck that bastard!just playing. and when we decided to go home the band that we were waiting for was next in the line up and i didnt get to catch the fire works.damn it!why didnt i get to see it,its just not meant i guess.well whatever...
argh!!
bite me!
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| ~soon |
[ 09.25.06 - 9:15pm] |
but i dont know if people even care for these words that i say.
i dont know if they hear it.
i dont know if they even try to listen.
my heart is screaming,my thoughts are too frail.
i cant go on like this,no.
i cant be like this,no.
soon this will end,soon i'll get to breathe,
soon this time is over,soon i'll be over.
i just feel down,down right down.sucks...
bite me
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| reporting |
[ 09.25.06 - 11:49am] |
today is sort of my judgement day!haha!!!
ok,today is my reporting that one reporting that i lost my notes.that's today,yep.not a hell day at all i hope.its kinda weird that im stalling my class hours just to update my journal.no,not at all stalling,just finishing my report,just psyching up to do my report.
lets do it!anyways this will be over soon,really soon.
what else.ya,yesterday,am i suppose to be jealous or what?
ok,brian and ada went out SHOPPING.yep,splurge some money.ok,so im not with them right?but i get see them in the mall.i kinda feel its some sort of dating but no,i trust my best friend not so much my sister.what else,there i feel happy that i can always make brian dance!!!haha!!
how?how?
beats me!!
haha!!!
wish me luck for my fucking report!!yeah!!!
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necrotragedy's journal
